mounting up on the struggle

At this point in time my greatest desire and impulse is to run away and join a hippie band, drive about in a grease-fuelled bus, and eat lots of food from bins. I keep revisiting this pull towards hippiedom but I do have a leaning towards fashion and cleanliness, yet when I was studying biology I’d have been happy to run around in dreads or braids and whatever-the-heck clothing, living for what I loved to do (invade animal’s personal space by being nosy about their behaviour). I dunno, maybe it’s just London. If I’m going to be here and now I want to live well (not that the alternative isn’t living well). Crap, I don’t know. I’m rambling. It just seems so much simpler. I could easily trade in this small but nice flat that costs an arm and a leg for something drafty and rustic and eccentric and quirky and that I could be myself in and accumulate stuff to share with others.

I’m listening to The Psalters, an anarchic Christian hippie band and they’re rocking me in a funky funky way. Passion- that’s the difference- they’re filled with such passion and freedom, things that I’ve lost my grip on. I’d rather give away this burden of living to pay rent to belong to a squat somewhere.

I tuned into Mosaic’s podcast earlier also. Erwin was speaking on Blessed are the Poor in Spirit, for theirs shall be the kingdom of heaven. It was exactly what I need at this time in my life. I remember having this recurring dream when I was a teenager of a tidal wave seeking me out wherever I was. It seems to have become reality with financial struggles presently. Everywhere I turn I’m getting bogged down in money. This is so not the way anyone should live. I’ve been very angry with God and even when I could bring myself to speak to him there was a deep resentment for having been called out of a career into financial uncertainty which only seems to be getting shakier. I know I’m not alone in this- many people are going through a hard time now, so please don’t feel I’m asking for pity right now. I just know what God’s said to me and the fact that it’s not really anywhere to be seen has begun to piss me off in no uncertain terms.

Yet Erwin tackled the subject of poverty. Financial poverty leaves one grasping for every single penny that is around. It leads you to being stingy and not very generous (which is understandable), breeding a mindset that just stinks of poverty and lack. So what does it mean to be poor in spirit? Well spiritual poverty leaves you grappling for any spiritual high that will get you along. When we realise that we are broken and spiritually dead we will eat every crumb that falls from our master’s table. We will savour the scents of food coming from his kitchen.

But what it leads us most to is a hunger for him. Do finances and food mean more than Christ who died and rose on our behalf? Christ who calls out to us and speaks to our spirits calling them to life? I could have been persuaded into trading in Christ and his kingdom for security. I really could have. But I think I’m coming back around to the realisation that though money is in short supply, that’s the only thing lacking. How can I trade money for an endless supply of love, belonging, forgiveness, hope (even though I can feel hopeless just because of a shallow and stupid yet very necessary thing like money)….. God forgive me. God help me. I am spiritually broke. And I want to be a hippie.

mounting up on the struggle

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